Not Okay

Feet firmly planted in a false foundation, I am standing up straight for all to see

I will let you in; my walls are thin, and things look different on the inside of me

I am a home that I have built out of paper and pain

Limbs stretched to their limit, holding up walls against the rain

And most times I stay standing

Because I thought I had to be a fortress, but you look at me and say

That my effort is blessed and you’ll invest in this mess

Blood and sweat and tears, and that’s okay

And I am not okay, and that’s okay

I spend all my time clinging to a life that I don’t know what it takes to maintain

This is not a place of rest, just stress, and all I know is to self-sustain

With wallpaper peeling, carpet stained, wood rotting through

I curl up in my center, but my center’s rotting, too

Burdened and weary

Dark and dreary

Because I thought I had to be my own rock; well, you look at me and say

That I can’t do this by myself, and you’ll be my somebody-else

That I will always need some help, and that’s okay

I am a fixer-upper of a human life

Not equipped with the required skill to heal it

I have prayed so hard for this light to warm instead of burn

And God, it’s such a joy to feel it

To build a home out of love, and not of paper

But I thought I had to be a fortress; well, you look at me and say

That my effort is blessed, and you’ll invest in this mess

Blood and sweat and tears, and that’s okay

And I am not okay, no I am not okay I am not okay

And that’s okay

Not Okay, by Rachel Marie Schachter