The Slave

 

What happens when you have been  pushed to the limit and you don’t know what to do, say or where to turn?

I have very little and yet still a lot to say at this time  in my life. The hopeful man needs hope and encouragement at this moment.

I’m at war myself. Trying to stay in this world whilst fighting this grief and burden. 

I fear I might have offended God and that I’m on some wild goose chase for a prize I might never win. I feel like I have asked but still I do not receive. I’ve knocked but no door opens. Is it that I fail to see the gifts or the bigger prize God Has given?

Evil creeps into my thoughts unbidden from time and again.

Do my sins tip the weighing scales?

I thought I’m a sinner like any other but of late I feel I fall in a special category.

I know one day I will return from this and overcome what seems at the moment like a mountain. But again I’m reminded that it’s not the mountain that we conquer but ourselves… what am I going to do with myself?

In the meantime, I must play at being a father to my son, a husband to a dear wife, a son to my parents, a sibling and a friend to many. 

I must keep strong and put on a brave face always.

I must play at living an enviable life.

I must pretend at strength most times.

I must be someone who can be admired, when in truth, I feel nothing but weakness.

I must be seen to be pious and a good Christian, but the fact is that I do not feel good.

Many a times I want to scream but I know I’d never stop. I’d rage against God, against my own body and against my own helplessness.

Im just human, battling with the things of the world. A slave, bound by sickness and sin.

I sit in constant wonder asking myself where my help shall come from.

Where is my Anchor?

Where is my Shelter in the times of storm?

Where is my Fortress, Refuge, Deliverer and Stronghold?

Where is The Savior of all men?